Dealing with Romantic Feelings for a Roommate (with Pictures)

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Dealing with Romantic Feelings for a Roommate (with Pictures)
Dealing with Romantic Feelings for a Roommate (with Pictures)

You've finally found someone to live with! Everything is going great and suddenly you think more and more about your roommate and talk about that person every chance you get. You never intended to develop those feelings for your roommate. While you may not want to complicate things, you will need to take steps to deal with the situation for your own good.


Part 1 of 5: Exploring your feelings

Cope With Romantic Feelings for Your Roommate Step 1

Step 1. Give yourself a cooling off period

You may be grateful and happy that you have a roommate you can share living space and expenses with, and a good friend you can trust. If you give yourself a month or two to let those feelings just be, you may find that they fade to feelings of friendship.

Think about the reasons why you want to date your roommate. What is it about that person that you find attractive? Do you share the same values ​​and beliefs? If you have legitimate reasons for wanting to date, that's one thing. On the other hand, if it's just the thought of having someone physically and emotionally present that you like, then it probably isn't a good idea

Cope With Romantic Feelings for Your Roommate Step 2

Step 2. Fight the urge to vent right away

You may have the urge to just say how you feel, and it may end up being the result. In the beginning, however, you should give yourself time to figure out where your feelings are coming from.

If you do eventually want to tell the other person how you feel, taking the time to examine your feelings will help you express yourself rationally and clearly

Cope With Romantic Feelings for Your Roommate Step 3

Step 3. Don't ignore your roommate

When you are in love with someone, it can sometimes be difficult to talk to them without feeling like you are revealing your feelings. Try to keep everything as normal as possible.

  • Maintain the same habits as you normally would. If you start acting strangely, your roommate may think something is wrong, and may even think they've done something wrong.
  • Note that this step is not intended as a long-term solution. Keeping things as normal as possible gives you time to reflect on your feelings and time to decide what to do without shaking things up and forcing you to make rash decisions.

Part 2 of 5: Deciding what to do

Cope With Romantic Feelings for Your Roommate Step 4

Step 1. Determine whether the feelings are mutual or not

What you ultimately do with your feelings for your roommate should depend on whether you believe those feelings are mutual or not. Look for clues that your roommate has feelings for you, too. If you think the feelings aren't mutual, you may want to bring it up anyway, but without hoping that your feelings will be reciprocated.

  • Be honest with yourself. When we have feelings for someone, we tend to see what we want to see. If it's not clear to you whether your roommate has feelings for you, chances are they don't.
  • What does your roommate's body language indicate? When you talk, does the other person often touch you? For example, does your roommate often smile and often touch your arm? When you talk, do you get the other person's full attention, or does your roommate not look at you? Someone who is interested will make a lot of eye contact, and want to give you your full attention.
  • Does your roommate have a boyfriend or girlfriend, or someone they talk about a lot? If the person is already in a relationship, it would be unfair to force you into that relationship. If there's someone the other person constantly talks about or you know your roommate is interested in, it's a pretty clear indication that you need to keep your distance.
Cope With Romantic Feelings for Your Roommate Step 5

Step 2. Check your options

This refers to your options in terms of moving versus staying in the apartment. Can you afford to move? Do you know where you're going? Can you find a new roommate if the person chooses to move? If you can't afford to move, it's probably best to keep your feelings to yourself, at least until you know where you're going.

  • If you tell your roommate about your feelings, they may decide to move on their own. The person may also ask you to move. If you are convinced that you absolutely cannot keep your feelings to yourself, then you must be prepared for this reality.
  • Can you pay your share of the rent for the rest of the lease, in addition to a new apartment? If not, could you find a suitable replacement roommate to take over your share of the rent?
Cope With Romantic Feelings for Your Roommate Step 6

Step 3. Create an exit plan

Whether or not you decide to tell your roommate about your feelings, it's a good idea to have an exit plan in case your feelings start to cause you stress and anxiety. If you decide to confess your feelings, an exit plan is important, because you need to be clear that you are willing to move, if the other person wants to.

  • What is the living situation like where you live? In some larger cities the rental market is very competitive, making finding an apartment very difficult and expensive. Understand the reality of the situation, and how long it will realistically take to find a new apartment.
  • Ask if you can stay with a friend or family. This could be an option for you if you need some time to find a new place, and if staying in the apartment will cause too much stress and awkwardness. If you can find a friend or relative to stay for a few weeks, you will have some time to find a new place, as well as some space to process your feelings.
  • Contact the university's housing department. If you live in a college residence, you should contact them to see what your options are. This department is set up to make sure you have a good experience in your dorm, and they'll probably be willing to help anyway if you explain the situation to them. You will have to be honest with them. Explain that you have developed romantic feelings for your roommate, and that you have not yet decided what to do with those feelings, but that you are willing to move if necessary.

Part 3 of 5: Considering moving

Cope With Romantic Feelings for Your Roommate Step 7

Step 1. Decide whether or not you should leave

You can look for a different place to live for various reasons. If you've developed romantic feelings for your roommate that won't go away, consider finding a new place to live.

  • If you tell your roommate about your feelings for him or her, and those feelings are mutual, then having your own space will give the new relationship the breathing room it needs to develop.
  • If you tell your roommate about your feelings, but they don't reciprocate your feelings, moving will give you the space to move forward, avoiding awkward encounters with him or her, or any future lover of your roommate.
  • If you don't tell the person about your feelings, moving will make it less uncomfortable if you decide to tell them. It will also give the other person the space to think about how they feel about you.
Cope With Romantic Feelings for Your Roommate Step 8

Step 2. Give your roommate a reason for leaving

If you've already confessed your feelings, you can be honest about your reasons for moving. If you haven't told, you can still be honest by saying, "The truth is, I've developed feelings for you, and I think it's better to move so I have some space to deal with." to go'. If you don't want to tell the truth, make something up. If you want to keep in touch with the other person, and maybe take it to the next level, try to make it clear that there's nothing wrong with them.

  • For example, if you want to make up an excuse, say you're having a hard time with the rent, and you've found a cheaper place.
  • You could also use distance from work or school as an excuse.
  • If you can afford a place of your own, you could also say that you just want a space that is all your own.
  • Do this in person. If your roommate doesn't know that you have feelings for him or her, he or she may be very surprised by your announcement. Try to handle it delicately, and if possible avoid making the other person feel like it's his or her fault.
Cope With Romantic Feelings for Your Roommate Step 9

Step #3. Give your roommate a time frame

If you don't have a place to go yet, give yourself a deadline to leave the apartment. Depending on where you live, and how difficult it is to find a new place, this can take weeks to months. This will also give the other person an opportunity to look for a new roommate, or move themselves, if that's what they want to do.

Strictly adhere to this deadline. Tell your roommate the date you'll be away so that they have time to find a new roommate. By clearly indicating the date, you also stay true to your decision

Cope With Romantic Feelings for Your Roommate Step 10

Step 4. Keep the relationship good

If you do move, regardless of the circumstances, try to stay on good terms with your roommate. It's not your roommate's fault that you developed feelings for him or her.

This doesn't mean you should stay in touch with the person if things don't go your way, but you should try to avoid making the other person feel like they've done something wrong

Part 4 of 5: Hiding your feelings

Cope With Romantic Feelings for Your Roommate Step 11

Step 1. Learn to accept your platonic relationship

If for whatever reason you feel it's better to hide your feelings, you'll have to accept that you're just going to be friends. By doing this, you are able to keep the friendship and your life situation as it is.

  • Just know that hiding your feelings for a long time can be painful and difficult for you to deal with. At some point, it is very likely that you will need to find another way to process your feelings. Either by talking about it or by leaving to get some space.
  • Remember that feelings are fleeting. It may take some time, but eventually you will find someone else who is attracted to you, or someone can confess their feelings for you. Be patient with yourself.
  • Don't blame your roommate. This will cause resentment. It's not your roommate's fault that you got feelings for that person, and it's not your fault that you got them. Don't be too hard on yourself, and don't be mad at your roommate. Just try to accept that feelings have arisen.
  • If you do develop feelings of resentment that you can't handle, then it may be time to consider moving.
Cope With Romantic Feelings for Your Roommate Step 12

Step 2. Create a little distance

If you want to keep your feelings to yourself, it can be good to create a little distance between the two of you, which will give you time to cool down. However, try not to create so much distance that it strains your relationship.

  • For example, if you and your roommate are always alone, try getting some other people around so it's not so intimate.
  • Try to avoid doing things that feel like a "date." Don't go to the movies, dinner or concerts alone. This will only encourage your desire, and cause even more confusion.
Cope With Romantic Feelings for Your Roommate Step 13

Step 3. Build a life outside the apartment

Spend time with your own friends, or find a new hobby. Try to find a part-time job that takes you out of the house or spend more time studying at the library. Not only will engaging in outdoor activities be good for you, it will help put your feelings into perspective, and may even help you get over those feelings.

You could try online dating to meet other people. Not only do you have something to do outside the apartment, you could meet someone you find even more attractive than your roommate

Part 5 of 5: Expressing your feelings

Cope With Romantic Feelings for Your Roommate Step 14

Step 1. Confess your feelings

You can do this during a conversation and tell the other person outright, or you can wait for a moment that feels a little more subtle.

  • You can do this in person or over the phone, but avoid using text or email. Sending a text message or e-mail makes you anxiously waiting for an answer. If the other person doesn't know how to deal with it, they may even ignore it completely, leaving you wondering if your message got through.
  • If you confess your feelings, also indicate that you want to move. For example, you could say, "I want you to know how I feel, and I also want you to know that I respect your own space. If you don't feel comfortable living together anymore, I'll move, and I won't blame you at all.'
  • If you want to tell the other person outright, ask if you can go out for dinner or lunch together. Say that you have something important to say, and that you hope that no matter the outcome, you can still be friends. Explain that it's important to you, and that you can figure out what you can do about it together. Be prepared for the fact that the other person may not reciprocate your feelings.
  • If you'd rather wait for a convenient time, wait for a time when your roommate complains about relationships, and everyone who meets the other person is horrible for some reason. Then say something like, "Why don't you give me a chance?" -- at this point, the other person may think you're kidding. Then reassure him or her that you're serious, perhaps adding something like, "I really want to go out with you."
Cope With Romantic Feelings for Your Roommate Step 15

Step 2. Give your roommate time and space to think

In either scenario, your roommate may indicate that he needs time to think. Give the person this time, and while they think about it, try to keep it light and casual when you two see each other. This way the other person can be sure that it is possible to be honest about their own feelings.

Do your best to stay away from him or her. Let your roommate know that you want to respect his or her need for time to think, and that you'll be with someone else for a few days. If that's not possible, do your best to stay out of the apartment as much as possible, and when you're home, try to stay in your room as much as possible

Cope With Romantic Feelings for Your Roommate Step 16

Step 3. Respect your roommate's response

Hopefully your roommate won't make you wait too long for an answer, but be patient. You can hope for the answer you desire, but be prepared for the reality that you may be rejected, and may even be asked to move. Whatever the response, be respectful.

  • If your feelings are reciprocated, great! Congratulations! But you now need to talk to your new lover about how things are going. The most important question is whether you will continue to live together or whether one of you will move. At this point, you should also discuss what to do in the (hopefully unlikely) event that things go wrong.
  • If your feelings aren't reciprocated, handle them in style. Don't yell or cry. Say something like, "That's a shame, but I understand." If this happens, you need to figure out where to get over your feelings while still living in the same apartment, or if you need to move. Either way, you should try to talk about the next steps with your roommate.
  • If you do get rejected, try to remind yourself that at least you know that now. You can at least feel the relief of finding out.


It is essential to let the situation evolve. There is often a "pink" period when we meet someone new, and we just "fall in love." It's not always romantic love, even if it feels that way at first. Sometimes it's just a crush that we develop because we like everything about this person so much, and it will pass


  • Don't just try something like trying to kiss your roommate. If you do this, it's quite tricky to fix things, especially if your roommate doesn't feel the same way.
  • Life is not a sitcom or a romantic comedy. Don't expect it to turn out like it does on TV or you'll be disappointed sooner or later.

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