To be a successful Muslim wife, show your husband love, respect and affection, and ask that he treat you in the same way. Share the responsibility for your daily lives, and enjoy each other's company. Together you can strengthen each other's faith and lead a pious and loving life.
Part 1 of 3: Investing in your relationship
Step 1. Be open with your man
Build trust by sharing your thoughts and feelings with him honestly. Ask the same of him. If you are honest and open with each other, your relationship will grow in strength and health.
- Discuss your expectations with your spouse. Tell him what you need from him, and ask him to tell you the same.
- Understand that men and women were created to be different, physically and emotionally, and that each plays a distinct role within a Muslim marriage.
- Study the Quran and Sunnah to better understand your and your husband's rights and responsibilities towards each other.
Step 2. Share the responsibilities for keeping your home clean and cozy
You don't both have to do all the work, but make sure you both take responsibility for making your home a clean and pleasant place to be. The Prophet always helped with household chores.
Some partners may need to be reminded to help around the house. If your man doesn't notice that it's messy, ask him to take on certain chores
Step 3. Have fun together
Go out and enjoy life! A good friendship makes for a happy partnership. Share what you like with your husband, and find out what he likes too. Find activities that you both enjoy and make time to do those things regularly.
- Try new things together. You probably have certain games, trips, sports or adventures that you both want to explore.
- Take turns leading "expeditions" and organizing new activities.
- Have fun at home. If you have children, play with them. Come up with new ways to entertain them with your husband.
- Encourage your children to know Islam and teach them how to pray.
Step 4. Try to keep disagreements as calm as possible… All couples argue sometimes
Try not to let it escalate to yelling or swearing. Take a deep breath, stay calm, and use the "I" message when you're arguing.
- For example, if you are angry, say "I feel angry because…" instead of "You are mean and you make me angry!".
- The Prophet said to his wife Hazrat Aysha: "Show meekness, for whatever you find meekness in you beautify it and if you take it out of something, you damage it."
- Break through mounting tension by reminding yourself (and your husband) to avoid Sheytan's influence. Say something like, "Honey, let's not give in to Sheytan. Can we discuss this when we're both calm?"
- Only fight a battle if it's worth it. Not everything that annoys you is worth a confrontation.
Step 5. Talk about having children or not
Develop a shared agreement with your partner about the desired size of your family. Reproduction is encouraged to build the Muslim population, but if you do not want children, Allah does not oblige you to have them.
- If you decide to have children, discuss together how best to raise your children in love and in the service of Allah.
- Use birth control if you don't want to get pregnant. You may want to use an IUD, Dep-Provera, an implant, or condoms.
Part 2 of 3: Showing your love
Step 1. Express your love
Everyone needs tenderness and love from others. Show your affection to your man in ways that feel natural to you. Find out what your loved one responds well to, and show him your love that way.
- If your man likes physical affection, kiss and hug him when you greet him.
- If he likes to hear that you love him, tell him freely.
- If your spouse responds well to compliments, find something to compliment him every day.
- Some husbands like presents. Look for gifts and treats that are special to him.
Step 2. Show your appreciation
Express your gratitude for everything he does for you. Tell him how happy you are with him. When he has accomplished something he is proud of, congratulate him and tell him that he has made you proud too. Confirm his feelings.
- Leave love notes and thank you notes for him, but remember that all blessings come from Allah, so say "Alhamdulillah" when you see something that makes you feel grateful.
- Consider other ways to show your appreciation, such as helping him with a task he is struggling with.
Step 3. Enjoy your physical togetherness
The Quran strictly forbids all sexual activity outside of marriage, but encourages lawful spouses to invest in a mutually satisfying physical relationship. Explore your desires with your spouse, and encourage him or her to be open about what he or she enjoys.
- Making love should be done with three intentions in mind: to avoid Zina (adultery), to protect from the eyes of strangers, and to provoke pious young Muslims to serve Allah.
- With these three intentions in mind, making love is not only an act of pleasure, but also an act of worship that pleases Allah and brings reward.
- Flirt and enjoy foreplay as Allah encourages you to do.
- Make sure you and your partner are on the same page. Sure, you're allowed to talk while sharing intimate moments, but excessive talking should be avoided in these moments.
- Ask for permission before starting anything new. Share what you like, and ask your husband to stop if he does something you don't like.
- At the time the intercourse begins, both the man and the woman should recite "Bismillaah, Allahuma jannabnash sheyTaana wa jannabish sheyTaana maa razaqtanaa" - In the name of Allah, O Allah! Save us from the Sheytan and prevent Sheytan from taking from us that which You give us (i.e. children).
- At the time of ejaculation, both the man and the woman should say in their minds (but not aloud): "Allaahumma laa taj, 'Al lish sheyTaani feemaa razaqtanee naSeebaa" - O Allah! Do not give to Sheytan a portion of that which You have given me.” These duas are important because they help protect the offspring from harm.
- Both the man and the woman should perform Ghusl (great ritual bath) as soon as possible after intercourse.
Step 4. Be loving during the breaks of sexual intimacy
Although sexual intimacy between spouses is encouraged, there are certain activities and times when the Quran forbids it.
- Abstain from sexual intimacy during Ramadan, except at night between iftar and suhoor. Make sure you are sufficiently rested and nourished to enjoy it!
- Islam forbids sexual intercourse during menstruation. Hugging, kissing and playing are still allowed. There is no need to avoid your man during your time of the month. He will always appreciate your affection.
- If your husband has to go away for an extended period of time, such as for business or a conference abroad, maintain your chastity by occupying your mind and protecting yourself from Sheytan by reciting the Qur'an, praying and remembering Allah.
- In all other cases, when the woman is in good health, she is usually obliged to fulfill the man's right to conjugal relations (and so is the man to the woman).
Part 3 of 3: Being pious
Step 1. See Allah in your husband
Look for the love of Allah in your husband's words, deeds and appearance. Appreciate all the work your husband does to stay close to Allah, and everything they do to bring you closer to Allah as well.
- Remind your husband to adhere to practices that bring him closer to Allah.
- Ask your husband to remind you of nature, hygiene, exercise, and other practices that help you feel aligned with your faith.
- Study Islam with your husband and try to apply what you learn in your marriage.
- Avoid unnecessary interaction between men and women and don't talk to men who are not related to you or your husband.
Step 2. Pray
Prayer is a vital part of the daily routine of worship for every Muslim. Pray for the health of your relationship. Ask Allah for guidance when you experience difficulties with your husband. Ask Allah for ideas on how to please your husband, and actively think about them even when you are not in prayer.
- Keep in mind that Allah loves to be asked for help and guidance, so always pray when an important decision in your life approaches.
- Allah will hear your prayer and will answer it in the way that is best for you, even if it sometimes seems to involve hardship.
Step 3. Greet your husband with the salaam
When you meet your husband, say "As-salaamu 'alaikum." Greet each other (and other Muslims) in this way, to share your faith and celebrate your shared identity.
Step 4. Dress in a way that reflects your relationship with Allah, with your husband and with yourself
Modesty, cleanliness and elegance are important in Islam and will be appreciated by a good husband. Dress to express your own faith and show your devotion to Islam.
- Familiarize yourself with the Islamic dress code and dress to please Allah by identifying yourself as a Muslim.
- Some women opt for the extra step of face covering (niqab). This is something many husbands will appreciate, but it should be the wife's own decision.
- Brush your teeth with a miswak and gently wash your face every day.
Step 5. Protect yourself
The Quran emphasizes the importance of compassion, respect and equality in marriages. Being a dutiful and obedient wife does not mean you have to accept abuse. The Qur'an and the Sunnah set very clear limits on how the husband should treat his wife. If you are mistreated, emotionally, verbally, sexually or physically, you can divorce your partner. The Quran states that Allah abhors divorce, but allows it in the name of justice:
- "If a wife fears mistreatment (mushuz) or indifference (i'radh) from her husband, it is not wrong (on her initiative) to discuss matters peacefully, to clear up any misunderstandings. If the two decide each other, Allah still provides everyone with His bounty, for Allah is resourceful and wise." (4:128-130)
- While the Muslim wife is normally obliged to obey her husband, this obligation is suspended in the case of a husband who behaves in a manner contrary to the will of Allah.
Abuse, in any form, is always unacceptable. Islam requires a good wife to be loving and obedient to the best of her ability, but it also obliges the husband to respect his wife and to treat her in a civilized and tender manner. Be aware that this is an obligation that your partner must fulfill.
- learn by which you can recognize a manipulative or too dominating partner. Being a good Muslim wife does not mean that you have to suffer in silence when your husband abuses you physically, verbally or in any other way.