It's not always easy to tell people what you think. If you're shy or prefer to avoid confrontation, you might miss an opportunity to share your views or stand up for your beliefs. While it can be intimidating at times, becoming assertive in discussions can change your life. It will boost your confidence, solidify your beliefs, and get people to notice when you open your mouth. Learning to put your thoughts into words is mostly about changing your attitude -- you have to have faith that what you're saying is worth listening to.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Learning to speak your mind
Step 1. Stay calm and in control
Before you start talking, calm yourself and try to calm your nerves. Breathe in slowly and deeply as you count to ten. Relax and let your mind settle; cast off doubts and other negative thoughts. It's normal to feel anxious when all the attention is on you. The more control you have over your words and emotions, the better able you will be to hold your own during a conversation.
Try not to get worked up if you're frustrated or if the topic is something you're passionate about. Getting too emotional can make it harder to get what you want to say
Step 2. Be open to the people you feel comfortable with
Learn to speak your mind around close friends and family. As you get better at this, little by little take yourself out of your comfort zone, until you're no longer afraid to speak up. Most people find it much easier to express themselves to the people closest to them than to complete strangers because they are afraid those people will judge them.
- Start giving your input in casual conversations where you don't mind having an opinion. You might start by making casual remarks like, "Dinner was really great tonight, Mom," or "I don't like this series that much. Can we watch something else?' Comments like this probably won't end in a challenge or argument.
- Talking to people you already know can help you shut down self-critical thoughts and focus on what you want to convey.
Step 3. Speak in an assertive tone
Be loud and clear by speaking in a firm, confident tone. Take the time to express your thoughts -- don't mumble or talk too fast. Quiet people are often not heard, not only because they speak softly, but also because their general demeanor indicates that they may not be worth listening to.
- If you develop an engaging speaking voice, people are more likely to take you seriously.
- Being assertive is good. Being loud or overbearing is not. Know the difference of not alienating your listener.
Step 4. Be confident
The most important thing is that you believe in yourself. If you don't, your words will have no conviction. It is worth reminding yourself that you are a unique individual with your own thoughts, values and ideas. If you don't have the confidence to make these things clear, no one will ever benefit from experiencing them.
- If you must, pretend until you can. Pretend you're comfortable speaking your mind, even if you aren't. In the end it won't be such a big problem anymore.
- Develop confident speaking skills. Look the person you are talking to in the eye and use strong, active language. Avoid stop words like: "eh," "yes," or phrases like "you know." These weaken the impact of your words.
Part 2 of 3: Overcoming the fear of confrontation and shame
Step 1. Don't worry about what other people think
Forget trying to please others. Fear of the judgment of others shouldn't stop you from letting the world know what you think. Not everyone will always be interested or agree with what you say. This should not discourage you from doing yourself justice.
Ask yourself what is the worst that can happen if you open your mouth. Once you look closely at your reasons for keeping your mouth shut, you will notice that they begin to disappear
Step 2. Believe in what you say
Stick to the validity of your opinion. To back up your words, you must recognize their value yourself. Even if you and those around you disagree, it's important that you have the courage to make your point. Fear of how you might perceive it shouldn't keep you from standing behind what you think is right.
- Stick to your opinion. It is not always easy to muster the courage to tell someone they are being selfish or doing 'the wrong thing'. But if you feel an urgent need to talk about a particular issue, it probably means it's important.
- Give your opinion without shame, but don't push them down anyone's throat.
Step 3. Don't hesitate
If there is an opportunity to speak, take it. Be aware of the discussions going on around you and wait for the right moment to contribute. The others may be impressed by what you have to say, making them want to hear your opinion more often. Too many people hold back because they're afraid to draw attention or say something stupid, but you never know when you'll get another opportunity.
- It shows initiative to make assertive statements and ask thoughtful questions. Even if you say you're not sure you understood that last point, you're showing that you're committed and making an effort to promote an equal discussion.
- By the time you have the courage to say something, someone else may have already said what you were going to say.
Step 4. Assume the others will agree with you
Don't always think that no one wants your opinion. Your thoughts are just as legitimate as anyone else's. In fact, they may well be in line with a majority of people who are too timid to express themselves. When you expect to be laughed at or contradicted, you are only undermining your right to say something.
Witnessing your confidence and willingness to speak your claims boldly can inspire others to more freely defend their own beliefs
Part 3 of 3: Knowing when to say something
Step 1. Contribute to enlightening discussions
If a conversation could benefit from your participation, jump in. A healthy exchange of ideas is essential to become a more understanding person. There is usually an opportunity to learn from deep, spirited dialogue, and an opportunity to contribute your wisdom.
- Begin comments with words like "I think…" or "It is my belief that…"
- Be aware of how you present yourself in discussions of politics, religion and ethical issues as these can easily create conflict.
Step 2. Participate in decision-making processes
Get actively involved in making plans or making decisions. Explain your thinking and make clear what your preferences are. By not saying anything, you lose ownership of decisions that are made, even when they affect you.
- An action as simple as a veto over where to have lunch can give you more power to speak.
- If you're not sure if a particular idea will be accepted, make it sound like you're just brainstorming. Try something like, "Do you think it would work better if we…" or "Instead of going to the movies, what if we curl up on the couch and watch a movie at home?"
Step 3. Don't let your silence be confused with approval
Not speaking up about something can be misinterpreted as consent or indifference. If you're against something, say it. Take a strong stance on questionable matters, behavior and beliefs in no uncertain terms. Otherwise, you are just as responsible for the conditions as the person who created them.
- A scornful look will never have the same effect as forcefully asking, "Why do you think it's acceptable to behave like this?"
- You can't change something until you first point out what's wrong with it.
Step 4. Keep it civil
Be polite, calm, and willing to listen, even (maybe especially) when an ordinary discussion turns into an argument. Do your best to always encourage respectful and open communication. The way you conduct yourself during a conversation should be a positive example. Knowing when it's better to keep your opinions to yourself or suppress the urge to articulate your thoughts is just as important as knowing when to speak with your head held high.
- Resist the temptation to turn to insults in the middle of a heated argument. "I'm sorry, but I don't agree" conveys the same point, but without the animosity. The person you're talking to is much more likely to listen to you and take you seriously if you stay calm.
- Think twice before saying something you know is offensive or misunderstood.
Tips
- Don't beat around the bush and say what you mean and mean what you say.
- Focus on getting your message across clearly, whatever it is. The other should never have to guess the meaning of what you say.
- It can be intimidating to muster the courage to speak your mind at first. For many people, it can be a lifelong quest to express an opinion with more confidence. You don't have to change the person you are overnight. You just need to get more comfortable sharing your thoughts gradually, until it's not such a daunting prospect anymore.
- Practice learning to listen in addition to sharpening your speaking skills. It is important to hear other people's opinions as well.
- Remove curse words and profanity from your vocabulary. It can be difficult to take a speaker seriously if he or she constantly uses abusive language.
Warnings
- Try not to dominate the conversation. Give everyone a fair chance to speak.
- Decide to the best of your ability what is acceptable to say and what is not. Don't let your words get you in trouble.