Beyoncé once said, "Knowing who you are is the greatest wisdom a person can possess. Know what your goals are, what you love, what your moral values are, your needs, your standards, what you do not tolerate and where you want to die for. This defines who you are." That's right. However, also keep in mind that as you get older and deal with different types of people and experiences, who you are, evolves over time. If you have trouble defining who you are, use self-reflection to discover your truest self.
Steps
Part 1 of 3: Taking a closer look at yourself
Step 1. Decide what you like and don't like
People often focus most strongly on what they love. While it is important to determine what brings you pleasure or joy, it is also helpful to find out what is causing you to feel unhappy or dissatisfied. One of the first steps to self-reflection is to sit down and make a list of all the things you love and hate.
- What you like or dislike is often part of the way you describe yourself to others. These are things that may set us apart from others or create a relationship with those around us. By understanding these things, you know what you want to work towards in your life, and what you want to stay away from. Knowing your likes and dislikes can help you make choices in your career, where you want to live, your hobbies, and what kind of people you gather around you.
- Use this to see if your likes and dislikes are too rigid. Are you limiting yourself too much? Is there something you'd like to do or try out that doesn't match how you see yourself on paper? Muster up your courage to try something completely new to you. Who knows, you might reveal another side of yourself.
Step 2. Examine your strengths and those sides of yourself that need to be worked on
Just as your preferences can give you a very good insight into who you are, so can being aware of those things you are good at or not so good at. On another sheet of paper, list your strengths and weaknesses.
- For most people, strengths or talents can overlap with preferences, and the lesser strengths overlap with aversions. Let's say you love cakes, cookies and pies, and baking is one of your strengths – the two go together. On the other hand, you may not like sports and struggle with body coordination or stamina.
- In many cases, your weaknesses will become things you hate because you're not naturally good at them. This tells you why you like or dislike something.
- Simply knowing these things is meaningful in itself. But you can dig even deeper and decide if you want to work on improving one of the things you find difficult, or if you want to put your energy into things you're already good at.
Step 3. Find out what puts you at ease
We can learn a lot about ourselves when we're feeling our best, but we can also build a lot of understanding through those moments when we don't feel so great. Think carefully about the last time (or times) you felt down or tense. What kind of reassurance were you looking for at a time like this? What made you feel better?
Knowing what calms you down tells you a lot about yourself as a person. You may always enlist the help of a certain person to lift you up or clear your mind. You may be watching your favorite movies or escaping into the pages of your favorite book. Your source of reassurance can be food, a common reason for people who process their emotions to eat
Step 4. Record your thoughts and emotions in a journal
A great way to learn more about yourself is to observe your own thoughts and feelings. Do this for a week or more to get a broader picture of the topics that constantly come to mind, or identify moods that you experience regularly. Are your thoughts positive? Negative?
- Going through your journal can reveal several subtle statements about a direction you'd like to take in your life, but you're not immediately aware of. Who knows, you might be constantly writing about your need to travel, about a particular person you like or a new hobby you want to take up.
- After discovering recurring themes in your journal, take a moment to think about what those thoughts and feelings mean - and whether you want to act on them.
Step 5. Take a personality test
Another method to learn more about yourself is to take a personality test online. Some people hate being pigeonholed, while for others labeling themselves and their behavior brings order to their lives. If you are a person who likes to understand themselves better by exploring how much you resemble (or differ from) someone else, taking a free online personality test can be helpful.
- Websites like HumanMetrics.com ask you to answer a series of questions about your preferences and how you view the world or yourself. This tool then analyzes your answers to provide you with a personality type that can help you understand which areas of interest or jobs you would thrive in, as well as how you communicate with those around you.
- Please note that free online tests should not be considered fully valid. These tests can give you a general idea of who you are. However, if you want an in-depth analysis of your personality, you will need to make an appointment with a clinical psychologist.
Part 2 of 3: Asking yourself the important questions
Step 1. Dig even deeper to find out what your core values are
Your values are basic norms to which you are attached and which influence your decisions, behavior and attitude. These are beliefs or principles that you stand for or want to fight for: family, equality, justice, peace, gratitude, trustworthiness, honesty, integrity, etc. If you do not know what your core values are, you cannot verify whether your choices makes those that conform to them. You can recognize your own core values by:
- Think about two people you admire. What qualities do you admire in these people?
- Think about a time when you were really proud of yourself. How did that happen? Did you help someone? Achieved a goal? Did you stand up for your rights or those of others?
- Think about which topics you are most involved in in your society or the world. These can include but are not limited to government, the environment, education, feminism, crime, etc.
- Consider which three items you would save if your house caught fire (assuming all living things have already been rescued). Why do you want to save those three things?
Step 2. Ask yourself whether or not you are living a life that you are proud of
In the famous words of F. Scott Fitzgerald, "I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find yourself not proud, I hope you can find the strength to start over." If you died today, do you think you left a legacy you hoped for?
Step 3. Ask yourself what you would love to do if money wasn't an issue
As children, we often have very ambitious dreams for ourselves. As we get older, we change those dreams, under pressure from society. Go back in time when you had an undeniable dream of doing something, a dream that you put aside because it wasn't the right time or because you didn't have enough money. Write down how you would like to spend your days if you didn't have to think about your financial condition. How would you live your life?
Step 4. Determine what your life would be like if you weren't afraid of failure
We often miss out on great opportunities or don't dare to seize opportunities because we're afraid of stepping on our noses. Self-doubt can rule your whole life if you don't work to overcome it. Unfortunately, it can also have a strong influence on the number of "what if" moments you have as you get older. Here are a few ways to overcome your fear of failure if you think it's holding you back from becoming the person you want to be:
- Failure is necessary. When we make mistakes, we can evaluate our actions and refine our methods. We grow and learn through failure.
- Visualize your success. One way to banish performance anxiety is to constantly introduce yourself as you achieve your goals.
- Continue to persevere. Keep moving toward your goals despite setbacks. It is often the case that we reach our wildest dreams just when we want to give up. Don't let small failures make you lose sight of the bigger picture.
Step 5. Ask others what their interpretation is of you as a person
Once you've asked yourself these other questions, ask a few people who mean a lot to you who they think you are. Their rating can be a list of traits or an example of certain moments that, in their opinion, sum up you as a person.
- After you've asked the opinions of various family members or friends, think about their answers. How did they describe you? Were you surprised by their comments? Did it make you angry? Do these views match the person you want to be, or how you view yourself?
- If you care about the opinions of these people, you may want to ask yourself what you need to do to bring the way they view you more in line with how you view yourself. Perhaps you have a distorted view of yourself and need to reassess your action.
Part 3 of 3: Explore how you connect with others
Step 1. Find out if you are an introvert or an extrovert
If you took a personality test online, introversion-extroversion may have been one of the factors you answered questions about. These are terms used by Carl Jung that describe what you draw energy from in your life – either from the internal or the external world.
- Introvert describes a person who gets energy from exploring the inner world of thoughts, ideas, memories and reactions. These people enjoy solitude and may prefer to spend time with one or two people with whom they have a bond. They can be reflective or reserved. Extroverted describes a person who derives energy through the interaction with the outside world. They love being involved in a variety of activities and interacting with all kinds of people. They get excited when they have people around them. They may take action before they have fully thought through a decision.
- Many popular interpretations describe introverts as shy and withdrawn, while extroverts are said to be sociable and open. These interpretations are wrong because most researchers have found that these properties span a certain spectrum. No one is 100% introverted or extroverted, but usually people, under certain circumstances, lean to one side or the other.
Step 2. Decide what kind of friend you are
Knowing who you are also includes knowing your expectations, feelings, and actions regarding friendship. Think about past friendships. Do you like to talk to your friends, every day or blue Monday? Do you often organize get-togethers or are you just the person who is invited? Do you appreciate having a good time with friends? Do you share intimate details about yourself with your friends or are you very reserved about what you say? Do you try to cheer up/encourage your friends when they are feeling down? Will you drop everything for a friend in need? Do you have reasonable requirements for friendships (i.e. don't expect your friends to be always there for you or just your friends)?
Once you've asked yourself these questions, determine if you're happy with the kind of friend you are. If not, talk to your friends and ask for advice on how to be a better friend in the future
Step 3. Evaluate the people around you
It is said that you are the average of the five people closest to you. The idea is based on the law of the mean: the outcome of any given event will be based on the average of all possible outcomes. Relationships are no exception to this rule. The people you spend the most time with will have a strong influence on you – whether you like it or not. Look closely at your most intimate relationships, because these people also define who you are.
- Of course you are who you are, capable of making your own choices and forming your own conclusions. Still, the people around you will affect your life in countless ways. They can introduce you to new foods, fashion, books and music. They can point you to jobs. They may stay up late to party with you. They may cry on your shoulder after a breakup.
- Can you recognize something about yourself based on the people in your immediate environment? Are you happy with what has stuck? Simply put, if you are surrounded by positive, optimistic people, you will feel and behave that way. If you are mainly surrounded by negative, pessimistic people, then such attitudes can also darken your life. If you want to know who you are, look around for the answer.
Step 4. Think about the things you do when you are alone
What you do with others says a lot about you, but what you do when you are alone also. We are often very strongly influenced by our social groups to think, act and feel a certain way. However, when we're all alone, that's the closest we get to our true selves-untouched for the most part by society.
- When you are alone, how do you spend your time? Are you sad when you are alone? Are you satisfied? Are you quietly reading somewhere? Do you play loud music and dance in front of the mirror? Do you fantasize about your wildest dreams?
- Think about these things and what they say about you.
Tips
- Take several days or weeks to think extensively about each of these exercises so that you can discover your true self. Don't do all these exercises at once.
- Embrace who you are no matter what anyone says. Only you can be yourself!