Being very calm and reserved: 8 steps (with pictures)

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Being very calm and reserved: 8 steps (with pictures)
Being very calm and reserved: 8 steps (with pictures)

If you are a calm person, this can have pros and cons. Many people see someone who is very quiet and reserved as too shy or even disinterested, although this is often not the case. Being quiet and reserved is often less a social change than a personal choice. With a little practice and understanding, you can be perfectly quiet and reserved while keeping all your friends, but still being yourself.


Part 1 of 2: Being quiet and reserved

Be Very Quiet and Reserved Step 9
Be Very Quiet and Reserved Step 9

Step 1. Find friends who understand you

A common misconception is that people who are quiet or reserved don't have friends. This is simply not correct. Some people who are quite quiet and reserved have less trouble building strong bonds with others. This is partly due to the fact that such individuals focus on getting to know the other person rather than wasting their time in social chatter or talking endlessly about themselves.

  • You don't necessarily need to find friends who are also quiet and reserved, but you should make sure to gather people around you who will understand that you are a quiet and reserved person.
  • Look for people who will understand and accept you. If you don't know who in your social circle are the people who will show understanding and accept you, try talking to different people to get to know them better.
Be Very Quiet and Reserved Step 4
Be Very Quiet and Reserved Step 4

Step 2. Try to be more self-aware

Some quiet, reserved individuals find that their personality traits allow them to have a better understanding of their own feelings. Recognizing and understanding how you feel about a particular person, idea, or topic is an important part of developing your self-awareness, which can ultimately help you chart your course in the world.

  • Take the time to look back on your day. If you're trying to be quieter and more self-critical, make time each day to reflect on yourself and the day.
  • Try to identify which life experiences have been most meaningful and enlightening to you and also try to find out why and how these experiences have changed you.
  • When you talk to people you have a good relationship with, you could ask them for honest feedback about your behavior and ideas. Let these people know that you want to be more aware of yourself and the way you think and act. An outsider's perspective can be very helpful when you want to learn more about yourself.
Be Very Quiet and Reserved Step 1
Be Very Quiet and Reserved Step 1

Step 3. Develop your own interests

Many introverts put a lot of time and energy into something they are passionate about. While not true for everyone who is quiet and reserved, this personality trait is quite common and may help you get more used to the idea and feel more comfortable with your quiet and reserved personality.

  • Think back to your childhood. What activities did you most enjoy doing? If you loved drawing or painting, you might want to pick up this hobby again. If you loved reading and writing, you could enroll in a writing course. The things you loved as a kid probably still spark your interest.
  • If you're still not able to figure out where your passions lie, think about the things that pique your curiosity today. What things fascinate you these days?
Be Very Quiet and Reserved Step 7
Be Very Quiet and Reserved Step 7

Step 4. Learn to deal with social situations

If you are a quiet and reserved person, chances are you will feel intimidated or frustrated during social situations. For some people, even shopping can be stressful, as they are forced to interact with strangers. Fortunately, there are a number of ways you can reduce the feeling of stress and discomfort during social situations. Some examples are:

  • Wear headphones while walking, using public transport or shopping.
  • Stay away from people who seem angry or irritated.
  • Kindly avoid or apologize when strangers want to chat with you.

Part 2 of 2: Having conversations with others

Be Very Quiet and Reserved Step 11
Be Very Quiet and Reserved Step 11

Step 1. Find a comfortable environment

If you are a quiet and reserved person, you may not feel comfortable having a conversation with someone in the middle of a mall or school cafeteria. Many introverts find it easier and less stressful to have conversations in a calm and more relaxed environment. If possible, you may want to find a comfortable place for the conversation to begin.

  • Noisy, chaotic environments are often not conducive to meaningful conversations that also involve reflection. The noise will likely require you both to speak louder and more directly, which in itself can seem quite intimidating to some people.
  • Some people find that an environment that is uncomfortably warm can also interfere with reflective thinking.
  • Try to determine where you feel most comfortable and try to have conversations take place in the same or similar environments as much as possible.
Be Very Quiet and Reserved Step 3
Be Very Quiet and Reserved Step 3

Step 2. Practice your listening skills

Quiet, reserved people are generally good listeners. This is partly due to the fact that people with these personality traits first think and process the information obtained before reacting. People usually seek help from others with introverted qualities when they are struggling with a problem or need advice.

  • Listen carefully to everything the other person says.
  • Decide when to respond and what to say. Keep your responses concise.
  • Think before you respond to the other person at all.
  • If you need a moment to think about it to come up with an appropriate response, you could say something along the lines of, "Hmm, I'd like to respond to this, but I just need a moment to phrase it properly.".'
Be Very Quiet and Reserved Step 2
Be Very Quiet and Reserved Step 2

Step 3. Ask the other person a lot of questions

Asking questions is a great way for a quiet and reserved person to get to know the other person better. Asking questions allows the other person to speak, which will reduce the pressure to talk endlessly about little things that are irrelevant, as most quiet and reserved people find this intimidating and simply aren't interested in such conversations.

  • The best questions are open-ended questions. Don't ask questions that the other person can answer with a simple yes or no. Instead, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and ask relevant questions to delve deeper into the topic. This shows both your interest and your sincere intention to get to know the other person better.
  • Instead of asking questions like: 'Did you enjoy growing up in Zeeland?' might ask open-ended questions that encourage discussion. Some examples are: 'What was it like growing up in Zeeland? What was the best/least fun part of growing up in Zeeland?'
Be Very Quiet and Reserved Step 12
Be Very Quiet and Reserved Step 12

Step 4. Be yourself

Remember, there's nothing to be ashamed of for being quiet and reserved. Did you know that being quiet and reserved is a desirable personality trait in some countries? And when you speak less and listen more, you will avoid accidentally offending someone because of miscommunication. And on top of that, when you meet people you actually enjoy communicating with, it will make your interactions more meaningful.


  • Be yourself at all times.
  • Find the environment in which you feel most comfortable. You may need to find a balance between being quiet and communicating with others, especially if you have school or work obligations that require you to communicate with strangers. Try to find a way in which you feel comfortable during the conversations, but at the same time can be yourself.

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